As early as 1990, those who highlighted the concept of “emotional intelligence” at Case Western University were worried by alarming statistics that showed a surge in violence among the very young, unrest growing psyche in young adolescents. At the time, these statistics concerned the United States, but as lifestyles became more standardized, projections in a globalized world concerned all future generations.
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Divorces, single-parent families, a shift in middle class poverty, access to drugs, alcohol, video games, internet, television … society has changed a lot in the last 30 years. Some landmarks are gone and others are not necessarily rebuilt. But we could also see that apart from any cause, there are more fragile temperaments than others .. the hard guys and the soft toys:-)
In the causes of this violence, it was indicated that there was a tendency among these young adolescents to perceive the environment, society and their representatives as hostile. This perception is put in place quite early and its main origin is that these children “miss” their inclusion in the social group that can constitute the playground and the arrival in class. Having, initially, a base of self-esteem even more tenuous than the other young children, or nonexistent, by lack of benchmarks or any other event that can happen in the close family circle, the child arrives in a different environment subject to codes, and he will stumble. Too withdrawn or too aggressive, it will cause reactions, he will suffer,
If at this time, as at others – since there will be others – he is not accompanied by an adult, parent, grandparent, able to play down the situation, to give him some keys to behavioral access, if no one is around him to help him to understand the notion of limits, of control of impulses, does not help him to forge an image estimable of himself and by himself; then it may be put into orbit on the way to a spiral of behavioral failures, indeed these things work by stacking experiences.
You think that this little child does not understand and can not know what are emotions, behaviors, communication, how to build relationships … he thinks very quickly and naturally that he has something that is wrong, that he is not a good person, that society rejects him and he learns to cope with this pattern.
In parallel and over the years, anger rises … against …
So will you say, it’s as simple as that? No it’s a little more complicated .. but, it’s still here …
Just as children learn to read and count, they also need to be taught what a human being is, how it works, not so obvious, with emotions and behaviors manage; that there are other children, other adults than the parents and that there are relationships to be established. And all this in a language that is within their reach.
They must understand deep inside them, that each of us have the same fears, child or adult, afraid of not being accepted by the other, afraid of not being well enough, afraid of being rejected, not to be recognized, loved – both the teacher who makes his first day of class and who is in front of thirty kids that the child who arrives for the first time in the playground, that dad or mom who is present for his first day of work in a new company.
Self-esteem is built every day thanks to a multitude of small successes, small tests that we managed to win, small situations from which we came out victorious and many learnings for which we had to go. go back to it several times, but on which our entourage has helped us .. and that’s why they end up being victories one day … Self-esteem when one is small, it is not decreed .. it needs to be fed every day, from all sides, at home, at school …
There is no worse suffering for a young person and also for an adult than to think that one is not estimable, kind or that one does not “worth” nothing that one does not do party of a group, a team, a band of friends … it is such suffering that it can lead to death.
It will take a moment to find this membership, at any price, wherever it is, in the street or elsewhere .. it will go find people who accept you, who recognize you for skills you develop in marginal areas, not recognized by the company ..
But there you will make fun of it, because after a path of wandering and suffering, you will have found the most important .. people who finally estimate you … your new family.